It Wasn't About Me...It Never Was
I wrote a blog post about a year and a half ago about seasons of life – how God guides us through those and what he teaches us in them, in preparation for them, and after we are out of them.
When I wrote that blog post I was frustrated because John Zachary hadn’t proposed to me yet. It was a season that I knew was coming, but it wasn’t the right timing and to be honest, I was just so gosh darn mad. I wanted what I wanted and thats all that mattered. And it took me a while to say, “Okay, God, I will let this go because this isn’t about me, its about us and our relationship but more importantly its about You and the timing You have planned for this next step.”
Well and sure enough we got engaged shorty after I had come to terms with waiting. Typical, right?
Fast forward to present time and John Zachary and I have been married for 4 months and this season of life has been absolutely crazy – life-changing really.
In the past 4 months we have gone through graduating college, getting our first jobs, getting married, moving to a new town, starting our new jobs, losing a dear friend, hating a job and getting a different job, adding on another and working 2 jobs, sickness, loses of friendships, and hard times with family members, and many bills and insurance plans in between…thats a glimpse of what life has been like.
Its been beautiful, frustrating, disheartening, exciting, joyful, tearful, and hopeful. And every bit of these 4 months have grown my faith, my heart, my love, my trust…but I am holding on to something.
I have been struggling so much lately with something that I absolutely need to give up in order for my marriage relationship to work and for my relationship with God to be in the right place.
I am struggling with myself. I am self-centered. I want things to go my way.
Two weeks ago I decided to go home alone since John Zach was working and visit my family. The whole 24 hours that I was home I felt so free. And ever since I came home from that trip I have been totally self-centered in my actions and in my thinking.
I felt free at home because all I had to think about was myself, it was just me. Nobody to cook for, no one worry about, no one to watch a movie with, no one to go to bed with and wake up to, just me.
It sounds horrible right?
And these following weeks I have been getting so frustrated because I have all of these things on my heart to do, and I just can’t. Because its not just me, its me and Zach. And we can’t just pick up and leave to go help with Hurricane Matthew disaster relief, we can’t just move into a new house right now, I can’t do all of the decorating and housework that I want, we can’t just take a vacation, we can’t try to make the dreams on our hearts happen right now. We have responsibilities here and we are experiencing what its like to live pay-check to pay-check with family helping us out on the side. Its really hard.
I feel awful for thinking all of these things but I wanted to share this because its a real struggle for me and I think it is for a lot of other people too.
We just don’t want to sit and live in what life we have for the moment. We always want more, something new to fill that void, some excitement to wake up to every morning.
And I know there is that expression of living in the moment and just doing whatever you feel at a certain moment but honestly I think thats a little unrealistic at times.
I desperately want to be pleasing God and listening to where he is calling me and Zach, but at the same time I am wanting only what is in my heart, not Zach’s, not Gods.
So here I am, a year and a half later, and surrendering the same way to God as I had before when I was waiting for John Zachary to propose.
I am learning that not only is it not just about me in my marriage, but its totally not just about me in my relationship with God.
Being self-sacrificing in marriage has taught me SO MUCH about the relationship between God and His people, how DEEP His great love for us really is, and I need to mirror that in my marriage with Zach. Its the two of us following Christ together, listening to Christ together, and obeying Christ together.
So I just want to say that if you have dreams or desires on your heart, they are real, and they are heard. Give them to The Lord. But also listen to His response. Go through this process WITH Him. New seasons are hard, waiting is hard, and it is a gateway into a self-gratifying, self-centered lifestyle. Don’t let it get the best of you! God is teaching you something extremely important in the time of life that you are in, be quickly to listen to him and learn! And ask Him for help in your relationship – married, dating, family, or just friendships. We need love one another and be self-sacrificial. You can put things on hold and thats okay, if God wants certain things to happen in your relationships, marriages, or just your personal life, He will make it happen. Wait for Him.
And if you start getting frustrated just go take a walk and get a cup of your favorite chai tea..thats what I do almost ever day :)